Unapologetically sharing your gifts and being authentically YOU starts within and with your immediate relationship.
I’ve been coaching my conscious leader clients for 15+ years and relationships are part of nearly every client’s story. Having studied communication as major in high school and being a highly intuitive connector who loves deep connections and understanding, relating has always been an area of high interest for me.
Jonny and I have been together and married for 10 years + now. Not always harmoniously, no far from it, as we’ve been through a lot together. However, always consciously, with a deep underlying love and awareness of giving each other space and the support to be who we truly are.
I’m now going to share three pillars with you that I see as the cornerstones for a loving, long-lasting conscious relationship. Without these, relationships usually start crumbling and falling apart real easily, distracting you from contributing your gifts and making a bigger positive impact. And if you’re reading this, I bet you’re trying to avoid this!
So here we go:
PILLAR 1 - COMMUNICATION
In my humble opinion communication is THE key fundamental principle in a relationship. We need to feel safe to be able to share how we feel, so we can be understood and seen for who we truly are. If we hold back, don’t share or pretend nothing is going on, even when we feel worried, stressed or upset, it can only lead to one thing: tension building and arguments brewing, in short: tension in the house!!
How many times have you thought to yourself in anger or frustration "oh he/she/they just don't get it!", "he/she/they never listen!", "I feel so misunderstood!!"
Well, there is a simple way of 'packaging' what you want to say in a way that actually gets received... I'll explain to you how. It's called Non Violent Communication. It's a way to bring your point across that can be super effective in general conversations as well as for conflict resolution.
In a heated conversation or conflict, there is usually what I call a 'blame ball' getting thrown back and forth. For example, let's assume you've got a partner and he comes home and slams the door. You're feeling super tired after a big day and react angrily: "Don't slam the door!" Usually this results in a reaction that goes either into defensiveness ("No, I didn't!"), anger ("Don't yell at me!") or being shut down. And you don't get anywhere, as you know straight away already: The same scenario will happen all over again next time.
When we aim to communicate according to non blaming, non violent principles, there is no blame and there is no victim. This requires us to change our own mindset of being hard done by and taking our power back into our own hands. It means, taking responsibility for our own feelings, actions and experiences.
We need to learn communicating with the following 4 steps:
1) OBSERVATION
2) FEELING
3) NEED
4) REQUEST
Find out more details with examples of how to apply these steps here, in two of my previous blog posts: 4 Steps to share your Feelings and 4 Steps to Resolve Conflict and Be Heard
This is a game changer, especially if you’ve been holding back your truth because of fear of upsetting your partner, or because of fear that you might get too emotional, angry, upset etc.
PILLAR 2 - THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES
We, as humans, all just want to be loved and seen for who we are. The way we package this, doesn’t always reflect our love.
Just think of the times when you might have pushed your partner away, but deep down all that you wanted was to be hugged and held tight.
We all have different ways of giving and receiving love. Some of us love giving with acts of service, as in cooking, cleaning, doing errands, fixing and running around for our loved ones. Others love giving gifts or cuddling.
The problem starts when we don’t feel loved and RECEIVED. You might feel really resentful towards your partner because they aren’t doing what you asked them to do, or because they never cuddle and spend quality time with you—despite you always “doing EVERYTHING” for them. Surely they don’t care about you, right?
This isn’t true though. They might simply have a different love language.
Imagine your Japanese and meet an Italian. Both of you don’t understand each other. You can try to get each other with mimicking, eye contact and reading each other’s general body language, which will get you to a certain level of understanding. However, if you want to deepen this connection, you’ll either need to learn each other’s languages or at least one of you does.
The same goes for our love languages.
According to Gary Chapman there are 5 love languages:
Words of Affirmation
Gifts
Acts of Service
Quality time
Physical touch
We all have a different order of priority of our 5 love languages and they determine the way we usually like to give and receive love (note: the languages of giving don’t necessarily have to be the same ones as for receiving!).
Do you know yours?
If not, i can highly recommend finding out yours (and then ask your partner to do the same). You can do so here (for free):
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/couples/
I can guarantee that finding out your love languages will change the way you’ll connect, understand and receive each other. You’ll feel more understood, seen and loved.
And isn’t that what we all want?
PILLAR 3 - CLEAR YOUR BAGGAGE
Last but certainly not least, we need to look at our baggage:
Our trapped emotions, stored (and or suppressed) traumas, conditioning and subconscious beliefs.
To be completely honest, our baggage in my opinion is the underlying reason why we end up being in the relationship that we are in in the first place (it determines the individual that we’ve chosen/have been initially attracted to).
Our baggage determines the triggers we have, when we are exposed to certain behavioural patterns or traits they exhibit. It determines the way we respond, as in do we ...
..Fight?
..Run?
..Freeze and get knocked out tired?
..Do we shut down or rant (as in fear of abandonment)?
All of these responses and especially triggers can be cleared out of your space, so that you can be free. Free to “see” and love your partner (again) for who they truly are within, rather than getting caught up in their “packaging” (body, behaviour, traits).
Moreover, you’ll also be free to see if they are abusive or emotionally manipulative and stand up against it. You’ll be able to tell whether the choice of being with them initially was based on fear, not love. If you committed to the relationship for reasons other than love (possibly guilt, a sense of obligation, fear of getting hurt etc), you’ll be able to free yourself of the cage that’s keeping you stuck within this possibly abusive or co-dependant relationship and empower yourself to live your truth instead. This will then enable you to find true love. One that honours you, because you are true to yourself and honour yourself first.
Either way, clearing your baggage (as in trapped emotions, traumas, conditioning and beliefs) will be a win win for everyone involved. Freeing yourself lightens you up on all levels, revealing more of the true you:
The light, joyous you that gives and receives love freely, is much more fun and attractive to be around and that creates the life it wants for yourself and your loved ones.
No more getting triggered seemingly randomly, holding back on your truth, feeling shut down, ranty or resentful.
Instead, feeling more open, free, light, aligned, accepting, loving and at peace
If you’d like support with clearing any of the above mentioned baggage, and you don’t know where to start, feel free to book in for a complementary Heart to Heart Chat.
I hope you have some fun looking further into the above mentioned pillars and comment below with any aha moments, success stories or questions.
I always love hearing from you! :)
lots of love
Sand
Image credit: Valentin Antonucci via Unsplash